Guido Humpy's Inlet of Shame

Let’s preface this with a little background. I was vacationing with friends in Gulf Shores, AL about a week after having a minor, but extremely delicate, surgery on a pretty important area of my body. Day two of the vacation found me causing some damage to the surgery site and aggravating an already sore wound. After wasting an entire day in a froggin’ sewer of a hospital, I’d pretty much ruined the vacation for everyone. Actually, I could have systematically severed fingers from the entire vacation group and the experience still would have far surpassed that which we had a Grim Horrible’s Island Grill.

The last night of the trip we decided to head to “The Wharf” (Orange Beach’s sad answer to Sandestin’s Village of Baytowne Wharf) to enjoy some great seafood at Gyne Hologist’s Thighland Spill. The front of my pants is packed with a few pounds of ice in ziploc bags, and I was walking like a Civil War veteran, so the douche nozzle at the hostess stand should have realized something was wrong. She didn’t. Maybe the skull and crossbones airbrushed on her nails was making her high. But, I digest . . .

The four of us made up about 98% of the restaurant patrons that night, so it’s not like the fifteen servers on duty couldn’t handle the crowd (of four). Our server was straight out of A&E’s new series Blind Date with a Hoarder’s Intervention Whisperer. Both of her teeth were crooked and she had the personality of Kate Gosselin’s possum ‘do. You know that feeling when a smell turns your nose hairs? The girls in my group decided to have a frozen drink. Helga, our server (and I use that term loosely), brought the drinks back about twenty minutes later. The drinks were decent-ish, but nothing to text home about. Two of us ordered fried shrimp platters (my favorite), one had a seafood platter and the last had the creme de la creme of Guy Harvey’s Peninsula of Flavor: the filet mignon. I’ll let you kids guess which one of us made the right choice . . .

I apparently ordered the Cher’s Fried Shrimp Platter because mine had long black hair. I don’t recall ordering the hair, but Gah Hurtme’s Ima Gurl included it at no cost. The shrimp sucked anyway, so it might as well have had smooth, silky hair. When I politely explained to Helga the Homely that there was a hair in my food, she promptly snapped back: “Ya want me to make another one, right?” Well, uhm, first of all I would rather you not even touch it. If my dinner could get a restraining order I’d take one out against Helga.

I’m rambling, so I’ll wrap this up. The food sucked, they didn’t offer to comp anything (just the hair). They charged the girls an extra TWO DOLLARS per drink for “frozen” even though it wasn’t listed anywhere on any menu, sign or server’s gargantuan forehead. When we asked to speak to a manager, they said there wasn’t one. The best part was when Helga bitched about how some people don’t tip . . . Then she walked about four feet away from us and bitched about us to a fellow co- worker. Not once did a manager come to our table; not at any time did any employee attempt to correct the errors of the restaurant; not a single OFFER was made to comp anything, not even a soda. What a horrible experience.

We walked down the dock a bit to pretend that the megayacht moored to the end of the dock was ours in a picture, and we called the restaurant to ask who the manager was. Amazingly, Goo Hankey’s Epic Fail tells us that the GENERAL MANAGER was there. We realized it was the guy bussing all the tables as we dealt with the Mensa alumni they called servers. Never in my life has a General Manager of a restaurant been such a lame frouche (fruit + douche).

So the moral of the story is, if you ever have the chance to visit GUY HARVEY’S ISLAND GRILL, snort a few lines of Drain-o and take a lil dirtnap. Trust me, you’d rather eat away at your sinuses with a caustic drain cleaner than experience the epic failure that is that horrific restaurant.

This place was horrible, more later. Sure we may have caught them on a bad night. BUT, the General Manager was there, aware of our dissatisfaction and 100% unconcerned. I’ve had better service at the DMV.

An epsiode of Seinfeld this afternoon showed Jerry and the gang parking a handicap spot because they were “only gonna be a minute.”

There is NO excuse for any human being to NOT use a normal parking spot unless he or she is legally allowed to utilize the special parking spot for disabled people via a disabled licens plate or disabled placard.

You people that do that are scum. Period. You are worthless and should be shot on site. I’m not exaggerating. You are disgusting, horrible, lazy people who think the world “owes” you something.

The only thing the world “owes” you is a bill for all the air you suck out of the atmosphere: air that could go to productive decent human beings. You froggin’ suck. And I will let all the air out of your tires. You are pathetic!

Not “Ha” that he’s dead. “Ha!” that a magazine called America’s Black Woman has a picture of an old white woman on the cover.

Seriously, Rachael Maddow and the like are ridiculous with their accusations that anti-ObamaCare is “manufactured.”. Now I’m not gonna go to one of those meetings and raise hell, but I am DAMNED sure against socialized medicine. I don’t need anyone “manufacturing” that anger. I’m so sick of people thinking that they “deserve” health care at MY expense. I’m not against everyone having health care, I’m just against me paying for yours.

First of all, your crown was in jeopardy because you broke pageant rules regarding photographs and endorsements not approved by the Miss California USA Organization. It really had nothing to do with your answer to the question which you continue to USE to further this ridiculous idea that you are some sort of martyr for the Christian faith.

Prejean, you said in your “I’m a vicitm” speech that you want us all to “agree to disagree.” The difference between our”opinions” is that you have stated that you want your opinion legilsated thereby limiting the rights/privileges of United States citizens. The opinions of those who disagree with you on the definition of marriage don’t wish to limit the rights/privileges of anyone in this country (with regard to the definition of marriage).

What if this were 1960 and the question was “Carrie, many states in the nation have decided to allow blacks and whites to attend the same schools. Do you think that other states should follow suit?”

“Well, in MY country and in MY family, I personally believe that whites and blacks should be separated. No offense.”

What if this were 1860 and the question was “Carrie, some states in the nation believe that slaves should be freed. Do you think that other states should follow suit?”

“Well in MY country, and in MY family, I personally believe that slaves should stay slaves. No offense.”

Do you think your answer will sound any differenly than these answers in forty years?

Very simply: your opinion that the definition of marriage should be legislated “in YOUR country” is discriminatory and elitist. If you and I were to disagree over who makes the best Pizza in Nashville, then we could certainly agree to disagree. If we disagreed on the best vacation spot in America, then we could certainly agree to disagree. But when you and I disagree about groups being granted EQUAL treatment under the laws of this country then NO, I will not and cannot AGREE to DISAGREE.

Back to the matter at hand. You lied about semi-nude pictures, and for that you should lose your crown. It wasn’t the content of the pictures that was in question, it was the fact that you lied about taking them. You also endorsed the National Organization for Marriage with recorded phone messages urging support for their cause, and for that you should lose your crown.

The biggest problem I have with you is that you claim to be so Biblically correct, and you claim to simply be doing God’s will. Can you tell me what the Bible says about “modeling” which incites lust? Or can you tell me your thoughts on the following passage:

“In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works” (1 Timothy 2:9-10).

As a friend suggested to me recently I wonder if those churches and other organizations that have you speak at their functions would mind displaying those topless photos of you before you speak. Would they? Or would they rather sweep that “inappropriate” part of your character under the rug and focus only on your stance on marriage? I’m guessing they’ll probably do the latter.

Carrie, please shut up. You’re a “beauty queen,” not a politician. Part of being a beauty queen is practicing diplomacy. That means you keep your opinions to yourself and just represent your organization, Miss California USA. Then again, maybe it’s that lack of diplomacy that cost you your crown, not God’s divine intervention.

I spent a couple of days at a certain five star hotel this week, and I think they need some help with their marketing and operations. Being the kind and generous soul that I am, I feel obliged to offer my assistance.

Firstly, when you say there is a 4:00pm GUARANTEED check-in time, that means my room will be ready at or BEFORE 4:00PM. Especially when one of your guests (or a group of your guests) requests an early check-in, you should be proactive in getting your rooms ready. I arrived at 2:50PM, obviously before the 4:00PM GURANTEED check-in time, but I was hopeful that a room would be ready. It was not. Mukesh and Niraj (I neither know nor care what their real names are) again reassured me that my room would absolutely be ready by 4:00PM. Guaranteed.

For some reason, people that arrived after me managed to get their rooms (same room type) without problem. Really? I’m standing right next to the check-in counter, and you continue to check others in and give them rooms while I wait.

“Excuse me, how are their rooms ready when they arrived after I did? Can’t you just move my reservation to a room that is available?”

“[Some crap that I didn't really understand, but I think it was about rebooting my computer in safe mode and disabling the firewall.]”

An associate and I decided to let our anger stew over a nice adult beverage in the lounge. I swear to Steve the bartender spent ten full minutes filling out paperwork and fixing her nametag before fixing our drinks. Honestly, bartender? Can’t you finish your fantasy wedding plan later? I’d really like a beverage before I have to go check with tech support about my room. But whatever. I got a beer and it was delightful.

At 3:45PM I checked on my room. “Eet ees steel naught aveelible, sar.” Fan-froggin’-tastic! “Bot eet veel be dreddy ot four o clock.”

“Okay, pal. I will be standing here waiting. At 4PM I am getting a room. Period.”

You’ll never guess . . . 4:00PM came – no room. This is what really pissed me off. I understand that sometimes things happen and it is impossible to deliver on a promise. That’s okay. But when you GUARANTEE something and you don’t deliver, you have to make up for that failure to deliver.

“Okay, so since you didn’t have my room at 4:00PM as was GUARANTEED, what do I get?”

“[Something to the effect of 'we will get you into a room as soon as we can.']”

“No, that is unacceptable. You must do something to make up for failing to deliver what was guaranteed. For example, ‘Yes sir, when we don’t have a room ready by the guaranteed check-in time, we offer a free meal in our Capitol Grill
restaurant, or we give you free valet parking, or we allow you to have one of the $8.00 Snickers bars from the mini-bar at no charge.’” See what I did there? I offered something in return for the failure to deliver on a gurantee..

If you make a froggin’ guarantee you’d better be prepared to rectify a failure to deliver said guarantee. Whether it is a “money back guarantee” (meaning that if the product fails to deliver you refund the purchase price), or a “replacement guarantee” (meaning that if the product is somehow inadequate you provide an adequate replacement), or some other guarantee, you must ALWAYS do something to FIX the problem.

Very simply – you, five star hotel in my city that shall remain nameless, YOU FAILED. And quite frankly if it weren’t for your excellent staff of bellmen and valets, I would have left my dead hooker in your hotel room rather than kindly disposing of her body into the dumpster out back like a normal person. (That was just a joke, I did not kill a hooker.)

I find it unfathomable at times people in our country make martyrs out of idiots for doing stupid things. This morning I read that Lane Garrison (of Prison Break fame-ish) may be paroled next week. That got me to thinking about the lawsuits brought on Garrison by the families of his “victims.” Let’s think about this for a minute.

In 2006, Lane drove drunk and high, and he wrecked his SUV killing one 17-year-old and injuring two other young people. That sounds AWFUL, doesn’t it? But that’s only part of the story. The back story is that these kids (the “victims”) were partying in Beverly Hills (obviously underprivileged if they live in Bev Hills) and ran into Lane at a local shop. They invited Lane back to their party at which Lane visibly consumed alcohol and partook in illicit pharmaceuticals. These froggin’ genius kids then get in a car with Lane, who subsequently rams his SUV into a tree.

Yeah, Lane’s an idiot, and he deserved punishment. But why the HELL are we martyring the 17-year-old who died? Don’t get me wrong, it’s very sad that a young person died. But Vaghan Setian (the kid who died) got into a car driven by someone that he had just observed drinking and doing drugs! AND he didn’t put on his seatbelt! Why the frog should this kid be martyred?!?!? He’s just as much of an idiot as Lane Garrison was.

I don’t deny Garrison’s responsibility in this accident. Again, he deserved the punishment handed him by the Los Angeles County court system. My point is that Vaghan Setian’s family, and the other passengers’ families, have made martyrs out of their children for being dumb enough to get in a car driven by a drunk. If I jumped into a prison cell with Charles Manson and handed him a machete, I wouldn’t expect you to treat me like some sort of tragic martyr when he chopped me up like Bernie Madoff’s credit card. I’d expect you to be sad that I died but stand at my casket saying “what in Steve’s name were you thinking?” If you leave food out next to your tent in Yosemite, you’re probably going to get eaten by a bear. If you cover your hand in honey and stick it in a fire-ant hill, you’re probably going to get attacked by fire-ants. If you have sex with a prostitute named Herpes Hannah, you’re probably going to get herpes. And if you get into an automobile driven by someone you have just been partying with, then you’re probably going to get into some sort of trouble whether it be an accident or an arrest.

Lane Garrison made a dumb decision. But so did those kids. Stop acting like they were forced at gunpoint into a car that subsequently hit a tree. I’m sorry that a young person died, but don’t martyr him for being an idiot.

I’m not through with this one yet. While I don’t think Miss California deserves another single second of publicity on this issue, I do think the pageant question has sparked a number of additional issues. There are some very kind-hearted people that have influenced my life in significant ways since I was a young child. Yesterday, a few of these people made public comments/statements (on Facebook, or in public places) saying how proud they were of Miss Califugly for “standing up for what she believes.” They went so far as to agree with Miss Caulifloweria that God was “testing” her. So there’s the setup.

Now, is it inherently bad for these people to have those opinions? Of course not. They are entitled to believe whatever they choose, and in this case I think their beliefs are far more than opinions; I think they are deeply rooted in their hearts. Is it inherently bad (or even wrong) for these people to publicly share those opinions? Again, of course not. They are entitled to share whatever it is they would like to share. So what’s the froggin’ problem? They are unknowingly contradicting themselves and possibly causing severe emotional harm to those they claim to love.

This isn’t about the definition of marriage; this is about homophobia. I know that word gets thrown out a lot, but it applies in this case. These folks aren’t saying “Oh we absolutely support our homosexual friends in their committed monogamous relationships; we just can’t technically call it marriage.” These folks are saying “same-sex relationships are not valid in my eyes, or in God’s eyes, and we should do everything we can to prevent such relationships.” Argue with me all you want on that, but you’ll lose. You know I’m right.

There are plenty of people around you that are gay and lesbian. A lot of them live “in the closet” because they fear rejection from people like these folks mentioned above. Then again, a lot of people live openly. Either way, whenever you support “traditional marriage” initiatives, you are telling these people that they are inferior. Now consider this – if you tell someone all of his life that neither you nor God nor the government will recognize his monogamous, committed, same-sex relationship as valid, then why on Steve’s green Earth would he want to be in one?!?!? It’s this “no gay marriage” mentality that fuels promiscuity and hedonism amongst gays. It seems that no one will recognize their relationships as valid, so why should they even try to have them?

I’m sick of hearing all of you say “I’m so proud of Miss California for standing up for what she believes.” The truth is you’re proud of Miss California for standing up for what YOU believe. Would you have felt the same if she stood up for Wiccans and abortion? I think not.

You can say what you want; I’m not one for controlling speech. I just hope you realize that what you say, although well-meaning, can negatively affect those you claim to love. Your words will continually and progressively push your loved ones farther and farther away. Eventually you’ll find yourself standing alone. Be proud all you want, but do us all a favor and be honest about what makes you proud.